How Emotionally Immature Parents Impact Their Children Into Adulthood

Most people have complex relationships with their parents - a lifetime of experiences including a mixture of highs and lows. 

Disagreements, misunderstandings and disappointments are a normal part of human relationships, and parent-child relationships are no different. 

But when parents are significantly lacking in emotional maturity, this can have a huge impact on their children, both throughout their youth and into adulthood. 

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can deeply affect your emotional life, self-esteem, and adult relationships. 

Objective Assessment

It can be difficult to find fault in your own parents, and many people find it challenging to make objective assessments of these relationships. 

This can be for many reasons, including feelings of betrayal or protectiveness. Also, if you’ve been met with emotional immaturity throughout your life, the behaviour will also likely feel ‘normal’, and it can take many years to see it for what it really is. 

What’s the point?

The purpose of making more objective, adult assessments is not to turn parents into monsters or stir up hatred. 

When parents act in a hurtful or neglectful way, the vast majority of the time this is unintentional. When parents lack emotional maturity, the impacts of their behaviour are very likely out of their awareness. 

We aren’t simply looking to blame the parents. Instead, evaluating their behaviour and understanding why they might behave in this way, often by looking at the background and life experiences of the parents themselves, can create a clearer picture which allows for more compassion towards the self, and even the parents. 

What Is Emotional Immaturity?

First, it’s important to understand what emotional immaturity really is. 

Emotionally immature people struggle to process their emotions in a healthy way. They may be rigid in their thinking, self-centred, reactive, or incapable of empathising with the emotional needs of others.

Emotional immaturity in parents isn't about intelligence, education, or even love. Many of these parents love their children but, despite their best efforts, are incapable of forming deep, nurturing relationships. 

They remain stuck, unable to handle the complex, nuanced emotional demands that parenting requires.

The Traits of Emotionally Immature Parents

In her book titled Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychotherapist Lindsay C. Gibson outlines four main traits that characterise emotionally immature parents. 

1. Egocentricity and Self-Absorption

Emotionally immature parents are often self-focused and concerned primarily with their own feelings and desires. They are driven by an intense need to satisfy their own emotional wants, often disregarding their children's emotions. This egocentric focus manifests in their inability to empathise or show interest in their children’s inner worlds.

Children of such parents may grow up feeling invisible or unimportant because their emotional needs are rarely considered. The parent's tendency to monopolise attention or minimise their child's concerns reinforces the child’s sense of insignificance.

2. Emotional Reactivity

Another core feature of emotionally immature parents is their tendency toward emotional volatility. These individuals are highly reactive to stress and often lose control over their emotions. This might mean frequent outbursts of anger, irrational fear, or withdrawal, making their behaviour unpredictable and sometimes intimidating to children.

Instead of calmly processing their emotions and discussing problems rationally, emotionally immature parents often respond to challenges in childlike, impulsive ways. Their unpredictable nature can make it difficult for children to feel safe and secure in the relationship.

3. Poor Boundaries

Emotionally immature parents often struggle to establish healthy emotional boundaries. Their inability to distinguish between their own emotional states and those of others can result in enmeshment, where the parent treats the child as an extension of themselves.

This lack of boundaries can lead parents to overly control their children's lives, disregard their children's need for autonomy, or expect their children to meet their emotional needs. Alternatively, emotionally immature parents may go to the opposite extreme by being too detached and unavailable, failing to provide their children with emotional guidance and support.

4. Need for Control

Due to their own inner emotional instability, emotionally immature parents often feel a strong need to control their external environment, including their children. This can take the form of excessive criticism, micromanaging, or imposing rigid expectations.

Their need for control stems from a fear of unpredictability and emotional discomfort. These parents may create an atmosphere where children feel pressured to conform and meet their parents’ needs rather than being encouraged to develop their own identities and independence.

5. Blaming and Defensiveness

Emotionally immature parents often struggle to take responsibility for their actions. When faced with conflict or negative emotions, they are quick to shift the blame onto others, including their children. This defensiveness prevents them from engaging in self-reflection or admitting fault.

Because of this behaviour, children often become scapegoats for their parents' unresolved emotions and internal conflicts. The emotionally immature parent may accuse the child of being "too sensitive," "difficult," or "ungrateful," deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings and making the child feel responsible for the parent’s distress.

6. Lack of Emotional Intimacy

A significant hallmark of emotionally immature parents is their inability to foster emotional intimacy with their children. Emotional intimacy involves being vulnerable, open, and attentive to another person's inner experiences, qualities that emotionally immature people often lack.

Instead of forming deep, supportive bonds, emotionally immature parents tend to maintain superficial relationships with their children, centred more on behaviour, appearances, or accomplishments. As a result, children may feel a profound sense of emotional loneliness and lack of connection, even though their parents are physically present.

The Impact of Emotionally Immature Parenting on Children

In her book, Gibson discusses how these traits of emotionally immature parents leave lasting scars on their children. Children of these parents grow up in emotionally unstable environments where their feelings and needs are routinely dismissed or ignored. As a result, they often develop emotional and psychological issues that persist into adulthood.

1. Emotional Neglect

One of the most damaging effects of emotionally immature parenting is the emotional neglect it causes. Children in these households learn early on that their feelings are unimportant, leading to a sense of emotional invisibility. Their emotional world is rarely acknowledged, let alone nurtured.

This form of neglect can manifest in adulthood as difficulty identifying or expressing emotions. Some may suppress their feelings or even disconnect from them entirely, fearing that their emotions will be invalidated or dismissed. Emotional neglect also leaves children with low self-esteem and chronic feelings of unworthiness.

2. Hypervigilance and Anxiety

Growing up with an emotionally immature parent often means living in an unpredictable environment. The emotional volatility of these parents—whether through sudden outbursts of anger or emotional withdrawal—keeps children on edge, unsure of what to expect from day to day.

As a result, many children of emotionally immature parents develop a hypervigilant stance, constantly monitoring their parents’ moods and behaviours to avoid conflict or emotional abandonment. This hyperawareness often translates into anxiety and excessive worry in adulthood, as they remain overly attuned to others' emotional states and constantly anticipate potential threats.

3. Caretaking and Role Reversal

A common consequence of emotional immaturity in parents is that children end up becoming emotional caretakers for their parents. These children may feel responsible for managing their parents’ emotions or maintaining family stability, a role reversal that places a heavy burden on them at an early age.

In adulthood, these individuals often struggle with codependency, prioritising others' needs over their own and feeling compelled to "fix" others. They may also feel a deep sense of guilt when they assert their own boundaries or emotional needs.

4. Difficulty Establishing Boundaries

Because emotionally immature parents often fail to model healthy boundaries, their children may grow up confused about what constitutes appropriate boundaries in relationships. As adults, they might struggle with asserting themselves, feeling guilty when they say "no," or feeling responsible for others' emotional well-being.

Alternatively, some children of emotionally immature parents may develop rigid emotional walls, isolating themselves from others to avoid the vulnerability of emotional connection, which they associate with disappointment or pain.

5. Attachment and Relationship Issues

The lack of emotional intimacy experienced in childhood often carries over into adult relationships. Children of emotionally immature parents may struggle to form secure attachments, instead oscillating between fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment.

They may also gravitate toward partners who mirror their parents' emotional unavailability, perpetuating cycles of emotional neglect. On the other hand, some might become overly dependent in relationships, desperate to find the validation and attention they lacked as children.

6. The False Self

Children of emotionally immature parents often develop what Gibson calls a "false self" as a coping mechanism. 

Because they couldn't safely express their true emotions or needs, they learn to suppress them and present a version of themselves that their parents will accept. 

This false self is typically compliant, emotionally guarded, and focused on pleasing others rather than being true to oneself.

While this may have helped them survive in their childhood home, it often leads to significant difficulties in adulthood. 

Adults who operate from their false self may struggle with authenticity, self-awareness, and emotional intimacy, and often find themselves in unbalanced relationships struggling to have their needs met. 

They might also feel as though they’re always performing or pretending, unable to truly connect with others or express their genuine emotions.

Why Understanding Your Parents' Emotional Immaturity Matters

For many people, coming to terms with the fact that their parents were emotionally immature can be both liberating and painful. 

On one hand, it provides a clear explanation for why their childhood felt so emotionally unfulfilling. On the other hand, it can stir up deep feelings of sadness, anger, or grief over what they didn’t receive from their parents.

However, understanding the emotional immaturity of your parents is a crucial step toward growth. It allows you to detach from the emotional wounds of your past and view your experiences with clarity.

You can begin to see that your parents’ inability to meet your emotional needs wasn’t a reflection of your worth or lovability, but rather a limitation of their emotional capacity.

The Path to Growth

If this article resonates with you and you recognise emotionally immature traits in your parents, you may be in the process of developing your self-awareness. 

Counselling and psychotherapy can be a powerful tool to aid this self-exploration and help you to understand how your past relationships have impacted you.

Therapy can help to untangle the emotional complexity of your past, reconnect with your own emotions, needs, and desires, recognise your relationship patterns and create healthier relationships in the future. 

If you would like to reach out to enquire about an initial session or introductory call, contact olihamiltontherapay@gmail.com or fill in the contact form below.